by Jason Stotts
I love getting questions from readers, even though I don’t always feature them on Erosophia. This question is one that many people probably have, so I thought I’d share it and my response for those of you who won’t ask, but still want to know.
Today’s question is on the moral hazard of bisexuality:
I just discovered your blog today and it is truly enlightening. It’s great to see such reasoned application of Objectivism to sexuality.
My question is whether you’ve covered this topic before (I did not see it by searching the tab under “Bisexuality”)
Should a bisexual male who can love women and is attracted to them, also have sex with men who he is only attracted to sexually? I am very turned on to the idea of receptive sex with men, sometimes, but I don’t think I can ever “love” them. I guess I’m a Kinsey 2 maybe. I rarely, if ever, see a man in real life and get turned on. But I know receptive sex and having someone turned on by me is appealing.
If one were to fulfill those sexual desires, wouldn’t they be divorcing sex from emotion if they can’t love a man?
Thanks a lot,
PS: My girlfriend knows about this attraction (and she is perfectly fine with me exploring it).
It’s a good question, isn’t it? Here’s my response:
I haven’t covered this topic explicitly in terms of bisexuality, but I have covered issues of non-monogamy before, like in my essay “On Polysexuality” or “Sex without Love.” Basically, my position is just because you have sex with someone you don’t love doesn’t necessarily divorce your sex from your emotions. I don’t think you can think of this issue in terms of “will this particular sex act divorce my emotions and sexuality,” but rather, “is the general way I approach sex and relationships going to divorce sex and emotions from each other.” I think that a person in a committed relationship has less to worry about divorcing sex from love than does a single person, since the person in a committed relationship has already firmly connected love and sex in his life through his relationship. So, check out those essays first.
Now, some practical suggestions. If you don’t want to worry about the risks and strains associated with bringing a new partner into your relationship, there is always the option of pegging (1, 2, 3, 4). If your girlfriend is open to the idea, that would be a way to experience receptive anal sex without the risk of disease, opening of your relationship, or any worry about divorcing sex and emotions.
Also, have you considered a threesome with another bisexual man? if you don’t know any personally, try an alternative sexual lifestyle website like Kasidie or another good site. I would not, however, suggest Craig’s List. There’s a really big difference between the people who are seeking out sex in a swinging context with its established guidelines about how to behave and emphasis on safer sex (no sex is truly safe) and those who are seeking it out on CL. A threesome can make both you and your partner feel safer, since you’re experiencing everything together.
Ultimately, I think that you can safely fulfill your desires and not run any sort of moral risk if you are honest and open with yourself, your partner, and any future lover about what you want and need.
P.S. Feel free to write me if you have more questions.
If you have a question you want answered, write to me. If you want private consultation about your sex life or relationship, we can work out an arrangement for that too. I’ve been wanting to get into some sex and relationship direct-advice-giving (it’s illegal to call it counseling) and there’s no time like the present to start.