by Jason Stotts
A reader recently wrote in asking me about anal sex in relation to women. Apparently, I’ve somehow never written on the subject!
I was hoping you might be able to help me, because I was searching the web to try to find out what kind of anal stimulation females tend to prefer. First off, there was not anything that addressed this question directly, and what I did find seemed suspect and morally dubious (one of the top hits pitched itself as a way to “trick” women into loving anal). I noticed that you did a post on this with respect to men [LINK] and you had some more general stuff too, but given that the absence of a prostate is probably a game changer in terms of technique perhaps a post on what kind of anal stimulation women like would be a good topic for the blog. This might be particularly interesting because the limited info that I did find suggested that for some women, they are only capable of orgasm when being anally stimulated and some claim that so called “anal orgasms” are the most intense kind that a woman could have. In any case, a post that sorted fact from fiction on these points and gave some pointers would be a good addition to the info that available on the web.
The thing that I found most disturbing was that so many of the articles took the following angle: “do you want your significant other to let you throw it in the butt? Then here are some moves to trick them into loving it in the butt.” I think as you’ve pointed before, this is a fundamentally unhealthy attitude towards sex: there is almost a total disregard for the other person’s experience, and the whole goal is to get someone to do what you want. I think that the way you emphasize communication in what you’ve written goes a long way to combat that attitude. I guess my point is that it shouldn’t be about tricking someone into liking something, but rather more about talking about what both people like etc. That is why a post that focuses on what your partner might like (instead of how to get your partner to give you what you want) might be a really good corrective. I think a big point to emphasize is that anal play is about a lot more than “throwin the D in the B,” and I think that people would do well to appreciate that some people might never like to have a big old dick in the butt, but they might love some of the other stuff.
That’s a good idea to write about it. I tend to not do a lot of practical sexual posts, usually only on topics where information is scarce, so it’s good you pointed this out.
I have a lot to say, but a lot of it depends on what stage you’re at. I’ll assume, too, that your partner is interested in exploring this from what you’ve said. I totally agree with you that you shouldn’t try to trick people into things they wouldn’t want to do otherwise.
If you’re at the “never had anal sex stage” or “anal sex is very uncomfortable” stage, then definitely don’t rush it. I would recommend starting to explore by just stimulating your partner’s anal opening when you’re doing other things like going down on her or having sex. Don’t start by inserting your fingers, just massage the outside with the pad of your finger (not the pointy tip). Once she’s used to the feeling and has separated it from the “I need to poop” feeling, you can start to penetrate some. Still with the pad of your finger, gently massage the anal opening until it slowly starts to open and just let your finger dip in. I would, again, recommend this as an adjunct to other things like clitoral stimulation. By pairing it with pleasurable things like clitoral orgasms, it’ll help her come to accept it as pleasurable much quicker. Once you’re able to successfully penetrate her ass with a finger, just leave it there. As you work up to more fingers (definitely not the same night you get the first), you can experiment with what motions she likes. In and out is an obvious one. The motion of all the way out and all the way in is very different from just in and out without completely withdrawing your finger. You can also move around in a circular motion. Then there’s also adding more fingers for the stretching feeling.
If, for whatever reason, your partner doesn’t like the way you finger her ass, even with practice, she can always do it to herself to get better at anal. She can do it while masturbating or even during when you guys are doing other things together.
If playing with her ass is hurting her, then it’s likely one of three things. First, it could be a sharp nail or a sharp piece of skin on the finger. You need to make sure your nails are completely smooth and you don’t have any hang-nails. If it’s a problem, you can also use rubber gloves. This makes your fingers completely smooth and also makes clean up easier. Second, it could be you’re not using enough lube or not using the right kind of lube. The third thing it could be is the anus stretching too far too quickly. The anus can really stretch open well, but it needs to relax in order to do so. The sphincter is actually two muscles, the internal, which is autonomously controlled, and the external, which is consciously controlled. If a person isn’t relaxed enough or excited enough, the internal sphincter won’t open and that can cause pain. After you get really good at knowing your ass, the sphincters can open together with the internal coming more in line with the external.
After some time, when you’re able to slowly work up to the number of fingers that are the same approximate width as your penis (around 3, depending on your girth) and she can enjoy that without a problem, then you’re good to try anal sex. When you go to actually do anal, make sure you get her ass ready by fingering first and opening it up. Make sure to use lots of lube when fingering her ass and opening it up and also on your dick. Make sure to start very slowly and let her ass open up on your dick. I recommend stimulating her clit as you do it. Start moving in and out very slowly. Check with her whether she likes just in and out movement without withdrawing your head or in and out where you pull the head of your dick out and then back in. Also make sure you don’t go too deep into her ass. Approximately 6 inches into the ass, there’s the sigmoid colon where the large intestine takes a sharp turn to the right. You can let it open up and put your dick deeper, but know that on the other side of the sigmoid colon it’s probable that you’ll encounter fecal matter. If, for whatever reason, it starts to hurt her when you guys are having sex, just stop and be still. Don’t ever pull out quickly, as that can be more painful. If you do need to pull out, do it really slowly. I would recommend pulling out to cum and cumming on her stomach. If you cum in her ass, obviously it’s going to need to come back out and she might not like that feeling and that association might not be good for her to have.
Now, in terms of the lady-anus, since there is no prostate, the most sensitive area is the opening. You can massage it with your fingers or lick it with your tongue. Some women can cum from stimulating the outside of the anus by itself. Of course, some women can come just from having her nipples stimulated. Part of this is how excited a woman is before you start the stimulation. Or, how excited you make her by getting her worked up with clitoral simulation first. The other way that some women cum from anal is via their g-spot. The abdominal space that the penis is in for anal is the same space as for vaginal and the wall separating the two is very thin. Thus, many women experience g-spot stimulation from anal. This is obviously dependent on the position and angle.
A couple of final thoughts. The kind of lube you use makes a really big difference. A thicker lube will provide some cushioning and mute the sensation, while a thinner lube will increase the sensation. Either way, make sure to use lots of lube and to stop to re-lube if you need to. Be careful that if you use a thin lube and your partner is in doggie style that it can drip into her vagina and potentially cause an infection. In general, cross contamination=bad. If your partner is worried about mess, make sure her diet is good and she’s defecated not too long before. As long as she doesn’t feel like there’s anything in her colon, there should be little to no fecal matter. You could also use a female condom and you wouldn’t have to worry about mess at all, but many people don’t like female condoms. If you do use one, make sure to lube both inside the ass and the inside of the FC.
I would recommend Jack Morin’s book “Anal Pleasure and Health.” It does focus more on male sexuality, but is very detailed and full of good info. I also recommend Tristan Taormino’s “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.”