Archive for the 'Anal Eroticism' Category

Getting Started with Female Anal Sexuality

by Jason Stotts

A reader recently wrote in asking me about anal sex in relation to women.  Apparently, I’ve somehow never written on the subject!

Jason,

I was hoping you might be able to help me, because I was searching the web to try to find out what kind of anal stimulation females tend to prefer.  First off, there was not anything that addressed this question directly, and what I did find seemed suspect and morally dubious (one of the top hits pitched itself as a way to “trick” women into loving anal).  I noticed that you did a post on this with respect to men [LINK] and you had some more general stuff too, but given that the absence of a prostate is probably a game changer in terms of technique perhaps a post on what kind of anal stimulation women like would be a good topic for the blog.  This might be particularly interesting because the limited info that I did find suggested that for some women, they are only capable of orgasm when being anally stimulated and some claim that so called “anal orgasms” are the most intense kind that a woman could have.  In any case, a post that sorted fact from fiction on these points and gave some pointers would be a good addition to the info that available on the web.

The thing that I found most disturbing was that so many of the articles took the following angle: “do you want your significant other to let you throw it in the butt? Then here are some moves to trick them into loving it in the butt.”  I think as you’ve pointed before, this is a fundamentally unhealthy attitude towards sex: there is almost a total disregard for the other person’s experience, and the whole goal is to get someone to do what you want.  I think that the way you emphasize communication in what you’ve written goes a long way to combat that attitude.  I guess my point is that it shouldn’t be about tricking someone into liking something, but rather more about talking about what both people like etc.  That is why a post that focuses on what your partner might like (instead of how to get your partner to give you what you want) might be a really good corrective.  I think a big point to emphasize is that anal play is about a lot more than “throwin the D in the B,” and I think that people would do well to appreciate that some people might never like to have a big old dick in the butt, but they might love some of the other stuff.

Bruce 

Bruce,

That’s a good idea to write about it.  I tend to not do a lot of practical sexual posts, usually only on topics where information is scarce, so it’s good you pointed this out.

I have a lot to say, but a lot of it depends on what stage you’re at. I’ll assume, too, that your partner is interested in exploring this from what you’ve said. I totally agree with you that you shouldn’t try to trick people into things they wouldn’t want to do otherwise.

If you’re at the “never had anal sex stage” or “anal sex is very uncomfortable” stage, then definitely don’t rush it.  I would recommend starting to explore by just stimulating your partner’s anal opening when you’re doing other things like going down on her or having sex.  Don’t start by inserting your fingers, just massage the outside with the pad of your finger (not the pointy tip).  Once she’s used to the feeling and has separated it from the “I need to poop” feeling, you can start to penetrate some.  Still with the pad of your finger, gently massage the anal opening until it slowly starts to open and just let your finger dip in.  I would, again, recommend this as an adjunct to other things like clitoral stimulation.  By pairing it with pleasurable things like clitoral orgasms, it’ll help her come to accept it as pleasurable much quicker.  Once you’re able to successfully penetrate her ass with a finger, just leave it there. As you work up to more fingers (definitely not the same night you get the first), you can experiment with what motions she likes.  In and out is an obvious one.  The motion of all the way out and all the way in is very different from just in and out without completely withdrawing your finger.  You can also move around in a circular motion.  Then there’s also adding more fingers for the stretching feeling.

If, for whatever reason, your partner doesn’t like the way you finger her ass, even with practice, she can always do it to herself to get better at anal.  She can do it while masturbating or even during when you guys are doing other things together.

If playing with her ass is hurting her, then it’s likely one of three things.  First, it could be a sharp nail or a sharp piece of skin on the finger.  You need to make sure your nails are completely smooth and you don’t have any hang-nails.  If it’s a problem, you can also use rubber gloves. This makes your fingers completely smooth and also makes clean up easier. Second, it could be you’re not using enough lube or not using the right kind of lube. The third thing it could be is the anus stretching too far too quickly.  The anus can really stretch open well, but it needs to relax in order to do so.  The sphincter is actually two muscles, the internal, which is autonomously controlled, and the external, which is consciously controlled.  If a person isn’t relaxed enough or excited enough, the internal sphincter won’t open and that can cause pain.  After you get really good at knowing your ass, the sphincters can open together with the internal coming more in line with the external.

After some time, when you’re able to slowly work up to the number of fingers that are the same approximate width as your penis (around 3, depending on your girth) and she can enjoy that without a problem, then you’re good to try anal sex.  When you go to actually do anal, make sure you get her ass ready by fingering first and opening it up.  Make sure to use lots of lube when fingering her ass and opening it up and also on your dick. Make sure to start very slowly and let her ass open up on your dick.  I recommend stimulating her clit as you do it.  Start moving in and out very slowly.  Check with her whether she likes just in and out movement without withdrawing your head or in and out where you pull the head of your dick out and then back in.  Also make sure you don’t go too deep into her ass.  Approximately 6 inches into the ass, there’s the sigmoid colon where the large intestine takes a sharp turn to the right.  You can let it open up and put your dick deeper, but know that on the other side of the sigmoid colon it’s probable that you’ll encounter fecal matter. If, for whatever reason, it starts to hurt her when you guys are having sex, just stop and be still.  Don’t ever pull out quickly, as that can be more painful.  If you do need to pull out, do it really slowly.  I would recommend pulling out to cum and cumming on her stomach.  If you cum in her ass, obviously it’s going to need to come back out and she might not like that feeling and that association might not be good for her to have.

Now, in terms of the lady-anus, since there is no prostate, the most sensitive area is the opening. You can massage it with your fingers or lick it with your tongue.   Some women can cum from stimulating the outside of the anus by itself.  Of course, some women can come just from having her nipples stimulated.  Part of this is how excited a woman is before you start the stimulation.  Or, how excited you make her by getting her worked up with clitoral simulation first.  The other way that some women cum from anal is via their g-spot.  The abdominal space that the penis is in for anal is the same space as for vaginal and the wall separating the two is very thin.  Thus, many women experience g-spot stimulation from anal.  This is obviously dependent on the position and angle.

A couple of final thoughts.  The kind of lube you use makes a really big difference.  A thicker lube will provide some cushioning and mute the sensation, while a thinner lube will increase the sensation.  Either way, make sure to use lots of lube and to stop to re-lube if you need to.  Be careful that if you use a thin lube and your partner is in doggie style that it can drip into her vagina and potentially cause an infection.  In general, cross contamination=bad.  If your partner is worried about mess, make sure her diet is good and she’s defecated not too long before.  As long as she doesn’t feel like there’s anything in her colon, there should be little to no fecal matter.  You could also use a female condom and you wouldn’t have to worry about mess at all, but many people don’t like female condoms.  If you do use one, make sure to lube both inside the ass and the inside of the FC.

I would recommend Jack Morin’s book “Anal Pleasure and Health.”  It does focus more on male sexuality, but is very detailed and full of good info.  I also recommend Tristan Taormino’s “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.”

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ATLOSCon 2012

by Jason Stotts

The registration for ATLOSCon 2012 in Atlanta is now live!  That means it’s time for you to register for my class and my workshop on sex.  Oh, you didn’t know that you’d be able to see me speaking live this year?  Well, read on.

This year at ATLOSCon I’m going to be delivering a class on Sexual Attraction and Fantasy as well as a workshop on more advanced sexual techniques.

Sexual Attraction and Fantasy: A Philosophical Exploration

What causes sexual attraction? Is it simply a physical response to a person’s body or is there something more going on? In this talk, I will delve into the deeper nature of sexual attractions and examine the cognitive element of sexual attraction and how it can enhance or destroy attractions. Further, we will look at the role of fantasy both by itself and its role in sexual attraction. Through this, we shall come to see that sexual attraction is more than merely a physical response and is, in fact, a robust phenomenon that ties together much more of ourselves than is commonly thought.

and

Practical Sexuality Workshop

Join your fellow conference attendees in a workshop on practical sexual skills hosted by Jason Stotts, author of Erosophia (one of the top 100 sex blogs of 2011). The workshop will be in three parts. The first part is an in-depth inquiry into anal eroticism, including anal sex and prostate play. The second part is all about orgasms, both male and female, including orgasmic edge play (also called extended orgasms or massive orgasms) and orgasm denial. The third part will be open Q&A where the floor will be opened to questions from attendees who can either ask questions there or submit them in advance if they’re not comfortable asking in front of the group. The workshop will be interactive and participation is encouraged. Price: $10 per person.

The workshop is obviously adult oriented in nature and no one under 18 will be permitted to attend. The workshop is open to singles, couples, poly-groups, and everyone of any orientation.

If you’re going to be in the Atlanta area, come check out ATLOSCon and my classes.  It’s a really great weekend packed with a lot of good speakers.  You’ll also meet some really great people.  If you do end up in one of my classes, come say hi and introduce yourself.  I love to meet readers.

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Review: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex

by Jason Stotts

Tristan Taormino just recently released her newest movie, the “Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex” and was kind enough to send me a review copy of it.  Unsurprisingly, Tristan does not disappoint in the movie.  This is my first review of an adult product here on Erosophia and I must say that it was rather exciting to get an advanced review copy directly from Vivid, for free no less, on a subject that I’m very interested in.

I should start by saying that I was disposed to like the movie before I ever watched it.  I’ve read several of Tristan’s books and they’ve all been very well written (for example, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and Opening Up) and I saw her speak live in LA and her presentation was very good.  The only book that I think is better than Tristan’s on anal sex is Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure and Health and it’s a very different kind (more medical) of book.  Nonetheless, I think Tristan does a fabulous job on pretty much every subject I’ve seen her cover.

The DVD starts with a review of anal sex basics and anatomy.  You should pay attention in this part, but if you haven’t mastered the basics, you should probably not be jumping right into advanced anal.  She talks about anal preparation, addressing concerns about cleanliness and enemas.  She then discusses lubes and their necessity for anal (and they are very, very necessary).  She does a good job emphasizing the importance of warming up your ass before anal play (again, very important).  She finishes up her part discussing more advanced positions for anal and some more advanced techniques.

After that, there are various anal sex scenes (porn) where we can see anal sex in practice.  However, before the scenes, you get to listen to the performers talk about their feelings about anal sex and whether they real like it, etc. I thought this was refreshing to give the performers a voice and I thought it made the movie feel more complete somehow.

I really liked that they had a section on strap-on sex, enemas, and safer sex.  I really, really, liked that they showed male anal play and they didn’t make a big deal out of it.  To see a guy having his ass played with (and even pegged!) in straight porn is all too rare.  I hope that it will go a long way to helping to dispel the taboo that if a straight guy enjoys anal sex, then he’s really gay.  That’s just nonsense.

A few criticisms.  I know this is part of the Vivid Ed series and Vivid is a porn company, but the movie felt a little light on the info (compared to Tristan’s books) and a little heavy on the porn.  This may be what a lot of consumers want, but it’s not what those of us who are into learning about anal sex want. Anal porn is easy and free on the internet, whereas good information is much harder to find.  If I’m going to pay for a movie, I want it overflowing with information and I don’t really care if there’s sex in it at all.  My other criticism is that the movie included a section on choking.  Let me say that I am emphatically against choking as the risk of death is all too real and many people do die from erotic asphyxiation and auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Finally, it was a nice treat to see Nina Hartley in the film  It seemed to me to be a kind of passing of the torch type film (Nina has been making good instructional videos for a long time now) and I liked the fact that they were working together.

All in all, I’d highly recommend this video to anyone who had some experience with anal and had already mastered the basics.  For the rest of you, I’m sure you’ll still learn something, but you may want to start elsewhere.

(Tristan and I at a talk she did in LA)

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Note: if you click on an Amazon link and purchase a product, I will receive some small amount of compensation.  So, if you’re going to buy these books, help me out and use my links.

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Anal Pleasure and Health

by Jason Stotts

I just found out that a new version of the classic guide to all things anal, Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin, came out with a new edition on the first of this month!  I’m excited to see what the changes were and I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to learn about anal play, for men or women, and even for those who think they know a thing or two about the butt.  Trust me, you’ll learn something.

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Getting Started with Male Anal Sexuality

by Jason Stotts

Recently, a reader sent me this question and I’m very excited to get it.  It’s one of my favorite subjects and one that I think all too few people are willing to talk about.

My partner and I really enjoy anal sex, rimming, anal play with toys, etc, as long as it’s him doing it to me (female).  We are both open to me doing some anal play with him, but he has lots more hang-ups than I do (worried about cleanliness, more nervous and clenched, etc.) Any advice about how to get started with anal play with him?  He’s definitely open to the idea mentally, just not sure how to begin working past his worries.

Thanks,

K.

I have so much to say, I don’t even know where to begin.

First, K., I want to say that you’ve already cleared the biggest hurdle, so, congratulations!  All too many men won’t even consider having their asses touched and will refuse to even talk to their partners about it.  The fact that your partner is at least open to discussion and is willing to consider trying it is a big step and puts you into a really good place to get started.

I’ve given advice on male anal sexuality a number of times, including (On Pegging 1, On Pegging 2, On Male Orgasm and Prostate Play, On Male Orgasm and Prostate Play 2, and Buttholes), but in each of these cases the advice was broad, so let me a different approach here.  First, if he’s like me and likes having a good resource to read that has lots of sound medical advice and good ideas about things to try to get started with anal sexuality, you should pick up the new edition of Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure and Health, which was just recently re-released in a new edition.  Morin’s book is the best one I’ve found about anal health and eroticism, regardless of sex.

One of the things that I want to suggest comes from Morin’s book and it’s this: tell your partner to get acquainted with his own asshole before you start playing with it.  Tell him to start by carefully washing his asshole in the shower and once it’s good and clean, to explore it with a finger, perhaps with a little non-water-soluble lube (like a good silicone lube).  He should start by running his finger around the outside and feeling the skin of the asshole.  He should do this lightly and just focus on the external skin.  He should then start pushing in a little on the outside edges while going around it still, so that he can feel the sphincter muscle underneath.  It will feel like a ring of muscle.  There are, in fact, two sphincters, an external one that is open to conscious control and an internal one that is part of the autonomic nervous system and outside our control.  By focusing on the outer sphincter and rubbing it slowly, you should be able to feel it release under you finger.  Once you feel this, place your finger in the center of your asshole, not inside the internal sphincter though, and then tighten the external sphincter around your finger.  He should practice bringing the external sphincter more under your conscious control by focusing on relaxing it and then tightening it (like Kegels for women).  Once you have better control over your external sphincter, you can practice this at any time.  The more you do, the better your muscle tone will be in your sphincter and you’ll get a number of benefits, like things feeling better, it being easier to stretch the asshole (strong muscles stretch more than weak ones without damage), and gaining more control over the sphincter.

Once he’s got a better control of his external sphincter and he’s become a little more comfortable with having his ass touched, then he can move forward by massaging his internal sphincter.  While you can’t control this sphincter, it is sensitive to what the outer sphincter does and by relaxing the outer sphincter, you can relax the inner sphincter some.  Make sure that you definitely use lube at this stage and, if you’re going to be doing it in the shower, make sure to get a good silicone lube so it won’t wash off in the water (don’t worry, it comes off with soap).  Massage around the inner sphincter like you did with the outer one and once it starts to relax, you’ll be able to tell, you can try inserting a finger into your anus to see how that feels.  Now, for some people this will immediately evoke thoughts of pooping, but that’s a connection that if you have, will be broken with time as you learn to differentiate sensations.  Once you can insert your finger, try inserting more or less of it and exploring around a little bit.  It’s not going to be easy to reach too far in, unless you get into some awkward positions, but explore as you can.  If everything is still going well, then try adding an additional finger or fingers to see how that feels.  All of this should not be done in one session, but spread out over many sessions and done slowly so that you can adjust to it slowly

Once you’re at this stage, you could start partnered play, but I’d recommend waiting a little longer.  I’d suggest trying to incorporate anal touching into masturbation a couple of times to that you can experience while you’re being pleasured.  For the first times, I’d recommend going slowly and just massaging the outside of the asshole as you masturbate.  Note how that changes the experience of masturbating.  Does it make it more or less intense?  Does it make it feel different?  How does your asshole respond when you masturbate?  If you’re able to pay attention while you cum, you’ll notice that the anal sphincters contract with orgasm, since they’re part of the sexual system of muscles in the pelvis that are involved in orgasm.  Once you’re comfortable with touching the outside while masturbating, try penetrating your asshole with your finger and see how that feels.  Once you have some familiarity with anal play and masturbation, then doing it partnered will be easier.  Also, by learning more about his asshole and how he likes to be touched, he’ll be better able to tell you, K., how to touch him.

Now, doing all of this solo is different than doing it with a partner, so let me address some of the concerns you might have with someone reaching into your ass.  I’ll limit myself to those you address in your message, but if you look at the linked posts above, you’ll see more discussion of problems that people can have with anal pleasure.

I’ll start with the issue of being nervous and clenched.  If you followed the advice above, you should find yourself much more relaxed and open to experiencing pleasure from your ass.  If you find that your ass is more clenched up when playing with a partner than it is when you play with it alone, then it means your ass is worried about how your partner is going to touch it.  Don’t worry, though, this can be overcome.  First, and this is very important, it’s much easier to know how much pressure to use, what angles use, what feels good and what doesn’t, when it’s your own ass.  When someone is playing with your ass, you need to give them this information by either explicitly telling them (which is what I recommend at this stage) or conveying this information via your body language and noises (which requires lots of experience together and a perceptive partner).  If you don’t tell them what feels good and what feels bad, they won’t know!  You have to let your ass get used to being touched by others and this involves going slowly and not over-shooting where you are.  You’re not going to go from not ever having someone play with your ass to pegging in one night!  Start by just doing external touching for the first few times you let a partner play with your ass.  Then slowly move to penetrating the outer sphincter only, then the inner sphincter, then exploring inside the anus.  Make sure you use lots of lube at each stage and limit yourself and your partner to not rushing ahead, even if you want to.  It’s better to go too slow than too fast, because if you go too fast, your ass will take a lot more encouragement to open up to your partner the next time: your ass will remember pain.

Also, and this is very important to anyone who wants to put a finger in any ass, make sure that you have well groomed hands and nails and that you don’t have any hang-nails, rough patches, or anything that might hurt an ass.  If you’re not sure, use gloves to make sure that the ass isn’t injured.  There’s nothing worse than having a scratch in your ass, you’ll feel it for days as it heals.

In terms of your worries about cleanliness, you shouldn’t worry too much.  In terms of your ass itself, you don’t actually store any fecal matter right inside the anal opening (or in the places you might end up using).  Furthermore, if your diet is good and your poop is generally solid and comes out neatly, then you shouldn’t have any remnants hanging around inside your ass.  If your diet isn’t good and your poop is loose and doesn’t clump together, you should reevaluate your diet.  If you’re really worried about anal play being messy, then you can always do an enema before anal play to rinse out your ass.  To perform an enema, all you need to do is get an enema kit from a pharmacy, make sure you will it with warm water (no laxatives, so empty out what’s already in there) and empty it into your ass.  Repeat until the water comes out clear, then wait at least an hour, although preferably two, to make sure all the water has come back out.  Enemas are super easy and you can guarantee a clean ass that way.  If you’re worried about the outside of your ass, a little soap and water is all you need there.

Hopefully this will be enough to get you going.  I have just a couple of final thoughts, though.

All too many men feel shame over their desire for anal play or the thought of getting pleasure from their ass, feeling that doing so is effeminizing or means that they’re gay.  This is a silly worry.  Sexual orientation, insofar as it is a useful concept at all, is only about the sex of people we are attracted to.  If a man is only interested in having women play with his ass, then it’s not gay.  Everyone has an ass and asses have lots of nerve endings can feel very pleasurable if correctly stimulated.   Furthermore, men have prostates and stimulation of the prostate can lead to some of the most intense orgasms possible.  Once you get more used to anal play, then prostate stimulation will become an option.  Self-stimulation of the prostate is exceedingly hard, you really need to have a toy or a willing partner.  To stimulate the prostate, all you need to do is insert a finger or fingers about two inches into the ass and make a “come here” motion towards the belly button.  You’ll feel a small lump under the skin of the rectum that’s roughly the size of a walnut.  This is the prostate.  If you reach slightly farther, you’ll feel a larger organ, which is the bladder.  When you start stimulating the prostate, it will grow in size as the man approaches orgasm.  If you can’t find it at first, try stimulating the man close to orgasm and then finding it while it’s swollen, which will be much easier and allow you to more easily find it next time.  While some men can orgasm from prostate stimulation alone, most can’t and require some kind of penile stimulation to get them to orgasm.

I hope this helps you guys get started.  Please write update us with how things go and what helped and what didn’t.

————-

FCC (Federal Censorship Commission) warning: if you buy Anal Pleasure and Health using the Amazon link, I will make some small amount of money.  The federal government is very worried about this and wants you to know that they’re “doing something” to protect you against my machinations.

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Tristan Taormino in LA!

by Jason Stotts

Writer, speaker, and pornographer Tristan Taormino is coming to LA to give a talk about Anal Pleasure at The Pleasure Chest:

Tuesday February 22nd 8-10 PM FREE!

In her most popular workshop, one she has taught around the world for over 10 years, Tristan introduces you to the world of anal pleasure. In this funny, educational class, she covers a wide variety of topics, including: myths about anal sex; anal anatomy, the G-spot, and the prostate; basic preparation and hygiene; lubes, anal toys, and safer sex; anal penetration for beginners, and much more! Learn the facts about this exciting, yet often misunderstood, form of pleasure and get all your questions answered.

Class is held on a first come, first served basis so arrive early to reserve your spot! Registration not necessary.

I am definitely going to be attending this and I’m sure it’s going to be amazing.  If you’re in the area and you want to learn more about anal sex, you should definitely check it out too.  Also, you can meet me, if you haven’t already.  If you’re going to be attending, let me know.  You can send me an e-mail at Jason(at)JasonStotts.com or contact me via facebook or twitter.

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On Male Orgasm and Prostate Play

by Jason Stotts

I was talking with someone the other day and they pointed out that while I had an essay on pegging, I did not have an essay on male orgasm or prostate play itself and few people are likely to jump right into pegging.  This seems like a fair criticism to me and so I’m hoping to rectify that here.

I want to begin with a short anatomy lesson.  Even though most men are well acquainted with their penises, most know nothing more about them than how to use them to get sexual pleasure.  Many men don’t even know the real names for all of their sexual parts: taint, sack, etc.

Although it’s sometimes called “the love muscle,” the penis is in fact not a muscle at all.  Although an erection is called getting a “boner,” there are no bones in the penis (in humans).  The penis is more properly thought of as analogous to a balloon, since what causes its rigidity is pooled blood, trapped in the penis by muscles at the base, in two cavernous bodies (corpora cavernosa) on each side of the penis.  The urethra runs along the bottom, which carries both urine and semen from the body.  Let’s take a look at diagram 1.

[Diagram 1]

We also have the shaft, the area between the body and the head, and the head of the penis itself, which is also called the glans.  Around the glans is a ridge, called the coronal ridge.  At the bottom of the glans is the urethral opening, below which is the frenulum, which is a thin strip of skin connecting the glans to the shaft and foreskin (on unmutilated penises).  See diagram 2, A.

[Diagram 2]

In addition to the penis are the testicles, which hang below the penis in the scrotum.  The testicles produce sperm, which are carried from the testicles to the seminal vesicles by the vas.  The seminal vesicles produce most of the fluid we think of as semen.  From here, the sperm move into the prostate itself, which produces prostatic fluid and adds the rest of the fluid to the semen.  While this description is somewhat simplified, it’s sufficient for our purposes here.  Take a look at this diagram for a clearer view of the path that semen has to travel.

[Diagram 3]

When a male becomes sexually aroused, he experiences tumescence of his sexual organs, which swell and fill with blood in anticipation of sexual activity.  During this process, the penis hardens, the skin in the genital region darkens, blood flow in increased in the entire region, and the prostate becomes engorged.  The prostate sits around the urethra and immediately below the bladder.  Another of the functions of the prostate is to close off the urethra from the bladder, preventing the flow of urine when a male is sexually aroused (note here that erection and arousal are not the same).

Through the above, we should have a basic grasp of male anatomy.

In terms of the male orgasm, the focus is usually the penis.  Typically, stimulation is applied to the penis through the application of a hand, mouth, vagina, anus, etc. and continued stimulation leads to orgasm.  This is certainly how most men think of their orgasms and it is not entirely wrong to do so.  However, although the focus of the orgasm is the penis, that is not the locus of male orgasm.  When a male is building to orgasm, he feels a mounting pressure deep inside his abdomen that feels more and more pleasurable until he reaches orgasm.  At this point he feels intense pleasure from this deep place, throughout his penis, and a warm sensation in his abdomen in general as the blood that was pools slowly makes it’s way back into his bloodstream.  This magic place deep in his abdomen where he feels the mounting pressure and pleasure of orgasm is the prostate and it is here that is the focus of male orgasm.  Thus, while the penis is generally the focus of male orgasm, it is the prostate that is its locus.

We can see this more clearly if we consider that if we apply stimulation to the prostate gland itself, a male can orgasm without any stimulation of the penis.  On the other hand, if we were to remove a man’s prostate, then he would be unable to orgasm ever again, even if we stimulate his penis.  The prostate is the unsung hero of male orgasm.  This is not to say that the penis is not important, but that the spotlight should be shared.

While most people don’t ever stimulate the prostate itself, it is actually very easy to stimulate the prostate through the anus, since the prostate sits against the anterior (front) wall of the anus.  One can easily stimulate the prostate by inserting a finger or fingers into the anus and making a beckoning, come here, motion (gloves may make this easier).  Alternatively, there are many toys designed to stimulate the prostate, like the aneros.  For many men, direct stimulate of the prostate, with or without penile stimulation, causes much stronger orgasms than orgasms achieved via penile stimulation alone.

It’s interesting, though, that many men are afraid to even consider prostate stimulation, because they see it as a “gay thing,” since it involves their anus, and they’re afraid that by engaging in prostate stimulation, they might be making themselves gay.  This is, of course, preposterous; one cannot catch the gay.  Further, there is nothing explicitly gay about prostate play.  The prostate is vital to all male orgasm and prostate stimulation is a uniquely male activity, whether gay or straight.  Indeed, the argument that a man who stimulates his own anus is gay, since gays play with their asses, is as sensical as the argument that a man who stimulates his own penis is gay, since gays touch penises.  We need to move beyond our fear of homosexuality and recognize that both straight men and bisexual men also enjoy anal stimulation and prostate stimulation and this does nothing to affect their orientation.  Additionally, there is nothing wrong with being gay.  The point, however, is that prostate stimulation is a uniquely male activity, no matter his orientation.

If men could get over their fear of their anuses and engage in prostate stimulation, they could open up a whole new world of pleasure for themselves, the likes of which they have never experienced before.

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Big Brother Note: if you purchase the aneros via the Amazon link, I will make some small amount of money.  Thus, if you want to get the aneros, use the link and help me out at the same time.

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On Pegging 2

by Jason Stotts

[Note: this is a repost of an essay that originally appeared Dec. 23, 2009 on the old Erosophia.  I am reposting it in anticipation of a new, longer, essay on Pegging that I will be putting up soon.]

In “On Pegging” I wanted to examine the activity of pegging by itself.  Consequently, I said that: “The point of pegging, then, is to stimulate a man’s prostate in order to give him intense orgasms.”  I did this in order to provide an analysis of pegging stripped of the commonly attendant “gender play” that frequently goes with it and show that there is no necessary connection between pegging and gender play.  On this point, I think I succeeded.  Now, however, I want to reintroduce gender play into the discussion and analysis of pegging.  It is certainly true that pegging can provide a great avenue for gender play and some people only do it for this reason.

Pegging Qua Gender Play

The primary difference between pegging itself, as we discussed in the last essay, and pegging as gender play, is how the partners handle it.  That is, a couple could choose to engage in pegging in a way that challenges gender conceptions and roles, or not.  This can be done from the way the partners approach each other, from the way they talk to each other, or just their beliefs about the nature of pegging itself (if they think that pegging is necessarily about role reversal).  For example, if the female partner uses the words and phrases that are usually used to describe her in a sexual situation on her partner, this will challenge the gender roles: if her partner frequently tells her to “take my cock” and she uses the same phrase on him, then this will challenge both their genders in their minds as they are used to having that phrase be something that is said by a male to a female and now this is being inverted.  Gender play can be very important in our sexual development as it helps us to understand not only masculinity and femininity, but also our own sexual desires and pleasure.

There are two primary kinds of gender play.  The first is role reversal, where one accepts the boundaries of one’s own sexual essence, while still wanting to experience some aspect of the other sexual essence.  Consequently, one assumes the role of the other sexual essence in order to fulfill one’s desires.  The second is challenging the boundaries of the sexual essences.  This means that one desires some aspect of what he currently considers in the province of the other sexual essence, but instead of reversing roles in order to satisfy his desire, he challenges his current conception of his gender role and attempts to expand it to include the aspect that he desires.

Role Reversal

In pegging, the penetrative partner is necessarily inverted: the female partner is penetrating the male partner with a strap-on.  However, this does not mean that there is role reversal taking place, unless one’s conception of masculinity and femininity are rigidly and restrictively defined.  If one thinks that enjoyment of anal stimulation is outside the boundary of masculinity and is entirely in the province of the feminine, then a man enjoying anal stimulation is engaging in a feminine activity: they have reversed roles.  However, this is dependent on how you define the boundaries of masculinity and femininity.  Most people’s conceptions of their sexual essences are very culturally influenced.  Realistically, most people have never thought about what it means to be masculine or feminine and to the extent they can even articulate their thoughts on the matter, they will adhere to the traditional conception of their culture as this is all they know of the sexual essences.

This failure to form independent conceptions of the sexual essences, leads one to have restrictive and rigid conceptions of the boundaries of the sexual essences.  In fact, because one has never thought about the boundaries of the sexual essences, one cannot challenge these boundaries.  Consequently, if one wants to experience a particular activity or manner of behavior that one considers to be of the other sexual essence, one has no option but to assume the other essence in order to experience the thing that one wants.  If, for example, a woman thinks that only men can be sexually aggressive and, yet, she desires to be sexually aggressive, then she will have to assume a male sexual essence in order to be sexually aggressive.  Since her conception of the sexual essences is rigid, restrictive, and unarticulated, she has no choice but to engage in role reversal in order to have the experience she desires.  To the extent to which she fails to think about the nature of femininity, is the extent to which she will feel trapped inside her conception of femininity and desire to reverse roles in order to experience more of her sexuality.  Were she to consciously think about her conceptions of the sexual essences, then she could attempt to test the boundaries of it and challenge its restrictiveness.

On the other hand, some people gain a perverse pleasure from role reversal and do not want to challenge their rigid and restrictive conceptions of the sexual essences.  For example, if you’re a man that’s convinced that men should never be penetrated, that only homosexual men could want to be penetrated, then you might want to act feminine in order to not “be gay.”  This fear of being gay, or of having a “gay pleasure,” leads to you more strongly embrace the rigid categories in order to utilize acting feminine as a way around having to think about yourself as gay.  After all, it’s perfectly within the realm of the feminine to be penetrated and as long as you are acting feminine, then you’re not gay.  This line of reasoning is, of course, completely absurd.  However, it is a logical consequence of a cultural conception of masculinity that completely excludes any sort of anal pleasure, branding it all as homosexual.  The solution is obviously to challenge the prevailing ideas about what masculinity is and is not, but if your conception of this is inarticulate, then you will not be able to challenge it.

Challenging Boundaries

In order to test the boundaries of the sexual essences, one must first attempt to consciously understand the sexual essences: one must be able to articulate one’s conceptions of the sexual essences.  Once one is able to articulate his conception of the sexual essences, then he will be able to identify the boundaries of the sexual essences.  This step is crucial as until one can understand the boundaries of the sexual essences, one is trapped inside his conception of his sexual essence.  This ability to articulate one’s conception of the sexual essences involves much introspection and thinking about not only what one thinks that the sexual essences are, but also about what one thinks that the sexual essences should be. This articulation of the sexual essences is the first step away from restrictive and rigid conceptions of the sexual essences.  Until we can consciously examine our conceptions of the sexual essences, we cannot challenge them.

Testing the boundaries of the sexual essences is much like the case of role reversal, where one has a desire for an action or activity that one thinks is characteristic of the other sexual essence.  However, instead of being locked in a rigid and restrictive conception of one’s sexual essence, one now has a conscious grasp on it and is able to examine it.  This leads one to ask why certain actions or activities are only for one of the sexual essences and not for the other.  Consequently, instead of reversing roles in order to fulfill one’s desires, one challenges the boundaries of one’s own sexual essences to see if they are able to include the thing that one desires.  For example, if a man wants to be sexually passive in a sexual encounter and is unwilling or unable to challenge the boundaries of the sexual essences, then he will have to assume the feminine sexual essence and reverse roles.  However, if he is able to challenge the boundaries of the sexual essences, then he can try being sexually passive while still retaining his masculinity.  This could be done by finding a partner who enjoys being dominant or a partner who is willing to change roles with him and be sexually active sometimes and passive others.  This means that he could still be masculine, that is experience himself as an embodied sexual man, while being passive in a sexual situation.

Once we begin the process of testing the boundaries of our sexual essences, we are better able to examine the boundaries of our own personal sexual desires.  Whereas formerly we might have thought that a particular action or activity was closed off to us, or at least without assuming the other sexual essence through role reversal, we are now free to explore what we actually want through exploring the boundaries of our sexual essence.

Boundaries Redefined

In “On Pegging,” I noted that our cultural conception of masculinity is based on domination of the feminine, while our conception of femininity is based on submission to the masculine.  Furthermore, I noted that it makes more sense to understand masculinity as rooted in the unique experience of being an embodied man in a sexual situation and to understand femininity as rooted in the unique experience of being an embodied woman in a sexual situation.  In order to understand how these two different ideas of the sexual essences interact, we have to understand that our experience of our sexual essence is structured by our cultural conceptions of our sexual essences.  These structures create boundaries for our sexual essences, based on the cultural conceptions.  Thus, if we allow our personal conception of our sexual essence to be structured by the cultural conception of it, then we will find boundaries on our sexuality corresponding to the cultural conceptions.  To be somewhat more concrete, if I allow my conception of my masculinity to be structured by the cultural conceptions, then I will not simply experience my masculinity as being an embodied male in a sexual context, but rather experience it as structured through the idea of domination, and bounded by the idea of appropriateness for domination.

Pegging, when used as a form of gender play, is great for helping us to challenge these boundaries in our conceptions of the nature of masculinity and femininity.  A woman who does not engage in role reversal when she engages in pegging, necessarily challenges her conception of femininity as submission to the masculine, if she still maintains such a view, since the idea of submission and penetrating her male partner with a strap-on are completely incompatible.  Now, one might think that a woman would not necessarily understand that this challenges her rigid conception of her femininity, but she would be unable not to understand this.  We all, to the extent that we have thought about it, understand masculinity and femininity to be sexual concepts.  It is impossible to think of a woman, who is engaging in pegging without engaging in role reversal, who understands that she is in a sexual situation, who is doing something that is blatantly contradictory to the cultural conception of her sexual essence, and to think that this would not challenge her idea of her femininity.  The only way that it could not is if she were to purposefully evade all knowledge of what she is doing, but that does not seem possible to maintain: especially while one is doing it.

Obviously, the biggest challenge from pegging is to a man’s conception of his masculinity: it is difficult to combine the ideas of being anally penetrated by a woman with a strap-on with the idea of concurrently dominating her.  As we noted earlier, the only way around this is to think that this means that the man is acting feminine (role reversal) or to challenge how he thinks of masculinity in order to accommodate anal pleasure.  If he does not engage in role reversal, then he will experience pegging as a challenge to his masculinity, as long as he maintains the rigid and narrow conception of it.  However, if he were to challenge his conception of his masculinity, then he will be able to accommodate anal pleasure into his conception of masculinity.  It is simply impossible to try to combine the ideas of masculinity as domination and being anally penetrated together.  The man who engages in pegging, without engaging in role reversal, will necessarily come to redefine his idea of masculinity.

Pegging as Perversion

Unfortunately, some men are so afraid of being considered gay, that they cannot accept the possibility of anal pleasure as part of masculinity.  These men, as I noted earlier, cling to their rigid and narrow conceptions of the sexual essences, instead of trying to think about them openly or challenge them.  Consequently, they take refuge in role reversal for psychologically unhealthy reasons: to escape from the contradiction between their desire for pegging and their conception of masculinity as domination and to escape their responsibility to think about it.  They shield themselves in role reversal in order to enjoy anal pleasures without the fear of being gay.

However, this is even more inane than it appears prima facie.  The strongest and most cogent denouncements of homosexuality come from arguments about the nature of masculinity and femininity and how homosexuality is a perversion of one’s natural sexual essence.  This is obviously based on the idea that the natural ordering is between the masculine and the feminine, since the nature of the masculine is to dominate the feminine and the nature of the feminine is to submit to the masculine.  So, the denouncement is contingent upon the conception of the sexual essences that would be challenged by openly thinking about the sexual essences.  Thus, the more he hides in role reversal from his fear of homosexuality, the more he is bound into the conception of the sexual essences that creates his fear in the first place!  There is, in fact, nothing unnatural about homosexuality and this is obvious once we abandon the impoverished conceptions of the sexual essences that are so culturally prominent.

However, while pegging used for role reversal is perverse if one is using it to evade the responsibility of thought, pegging as role reversal is not necessarily perverse.  If a man wanted to assume the role of the woman, or a woman wanted to assume the role of the man, so that they could experience a little of what it was like to be the other sex in order to better understand their partner, or even the other sex in general, this would be legitimate.  The perversity of using pegging as role reversal comes from trying to escape the responsibility of thought and from this being a denial of reality.  In cases where pegging as role reversal do not involve evasion, they are not perverse.

Stages of Gender Play

From the way I have presented pegging as a form of gender play, it may seem that I am advocating the position that pegging as gender play goes through a definite series of discrete steps as a person begins pegging and gradually changes how they think about the sexual essences.  To some extent I am putting forth this position, however I am not strictly advocating that this process is necessary.  Indeed, a person may have been very conscientious and have introspected carefully throughout his life so that he never held an inarticulate view of the sexual essences.  This person will obviously not proceed through the process, as he will never be at step one (he might have progressed to a proper conception of the sexual essences before he ever tried pegging).

In general, though, I do think that this is the way that most people will progress through their conception of their sexual essence as they utilize pegging as a form of gender play.  They begin with an inarticulate conception of the nature of the sexual essences and they are slowly forced to consider the nature of these as they being pegging.  The only exception to this, as I noted earlier, is the perverse case of pegging that is born of the fear of homosexuality.

Conclusions

So, as we have seen, pegging is not just about prostate pleasure for men.  While pegging as a form of gender play can be perverse, it can also help us to come to understand ourselves and our sexuality better.  Through pegging, people can challenge their inarticulate ideas about the sexual essences and come to have clearer conceptions of these that are devoid of metaphysically dubious baggage.  Pegging can help us to understand our sexuality at the most basic of levels and help us to realize our sexual desires authentically.

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