Archive for the 'Swinging' Category

On Polysexuality (Revised)

by Jason Stotts  

Summary: Our language related to sex must be expanded to capture all of the variations that we see in real life.  And we need to understand this because sex is good and a valuable part of a human life.  The way we structure our relationships and sex lives has a lot of optionality that depends on the people in the relationship and can include multiple loving relationships or multiple sexual relationships, the right way for any particular couple may not be monosexual monoamory, and this would be fine because polysexuality and polyamory are natural and can be perfectly moral choices.  As long as we observe some simple guidelines, leaving societally structured relationships and constructing our own can help us to live the best kind of lives possible.

Continue reading ‘On Polysexuality (Revised)’

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Polysexuality and Cultural Acceptability

by Jason Stotts

I linked to an article the other day on Scientific American that said:

On Valentine’s Day, images of couples are everywhere. They’re buying each other diamond rings, making eyes over expensive restaurant meals and canoodling over chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne. But two-by-two isn’t the only way to go through life. In fact, an estimated 4 to 5 percent of Americans are looking outside their relationship for love and sex — with their partner’s full permission.

Think about that for just a minute. Let’s focus on just this part: “an estimated 4 to 5 percent of Americans [are polysexual].”  Four or five percent.  The current US population (according to the US Census for July 2012) is 313,914,040 people, 313 million people.  So, that means there are 12,556,562 to 15,695,702 people who are actively polysexual in the United States!  And that number is sure to be dramatically underreported as fears about privacy and shame keep people from honestly reporting.  If you put all those polysexual people in one state it would be the 5th most populated state in the US.

You know what’s a shame?  That those 5% of the US population, those 1 in 20 people feel ashamed at their desires and feel like they will be rejected by society at large.  They feel like they need to hide their real selves and their real desires so as not to be shunned by our society.  What’s really a shame is that these 5% of people are the ones acting most naturally according to our human nature.  We are a naturally polysexual species and if it weren’t for the judeo-islamic-christian hatred of the body, then more people would feel free to be themselves and act according to their nature.

Consider a contrast case.  Most estimates put the homosexual population of the US around 3.5%.  Think about that for a minute.  What was life like in the US for the gay population in the 50’s?  What is it like now?  What’s the difference between the gay population now and the polysexual population now?  There are more polysexuals, so it’s not that.  The difference is that some brave gays stood up and fought to be recognized as real people.  They fought against the religious hatred and mysticism and fought to be recognized as a normal and natural sexual orientation (which it is).

Why not the polysexuals?  There are more polysexuals than gay people (although, admittedly  there is definitely overlap between the populations).  Why can’t the polysexual population stand up and say: “We are not ashamed of our sexuality!”  All the movement needs is a charismatic leader who is willing to be the face of the movement and who can argue clearly why polysexual is both natural and normal and nothing to be ashamed about.

Frankly, I think it’s time that polysexual people stop hiding in their closets and come out to their friends and families about their lifestyles.  If 1 in 20 people came out, there would be no stopping the movement.  Even if you don’t think you know someone who is polysexual, if you know more than 20 people, the you definitely do.  It’s time that we end this crazy puritanical fear about sex and started living our lives in whatever way works best for us without any fear or shame.

A world where people can sexually be themselves is a world I want to live in.

—————-

See also my related essay: Sexuality and Privacy

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Playboy is Now Casting Season 3 of Swing

By Jason Stotts

For those of you who are interested, Playboy has green-lighted Season 3 of Swing and is starting casting for it:

If you’ve seen the show, you know how fantastic it is. We’ll be back, as will Michael and Holli, Ashley and Early, and lots of other Kasidie members you’ve grown to love watching on the series. And there’s room for new cast members, so if you’ve ever wanted to do something fun and wild (on television) then this is your chance!

Some info before we paste in the official Playboy text…

When: Filming will be most likely in late March or in April (they are still putting that together), the show will air 4 – 6 months after filming wraps.

Where: Los Angeles – they rent a giant mansion, you’ll have your own room, they cover flights, food, etc.

Who: Hot Kasidie couples who can come for a single episode (2 days) or the entire series shoot (3 weeks).

NEWBIES – they want fun, open, willing-to-jump-in, attractive (this is Playboy) newbies who are preferably in their 30’s (exceptions made for especially mature 20-somethings or uber-hot 40-somethings). Must have a solid relationship, may have “some” lifestyle experience but haven’t full-swapped with other couples in a swinger setting yet (and will be open to this for ‘Swing’).

CAST – looking for hot couples from 21 – 45 who are experienced lifestylers, no drama, open to being nude AND playing on camera. Prefer full-swap couples.

It’s a LOT of fun, and you do have downtime to get out and explore Los Angeles between episodes. So come join us if you can!

Here’s the official language from Playboy…

THAT’S RIGHT PLAYBOY TV’S HIT REALITY SHOW SWING IS BACK FOR A NEW SEASON OF SEXY ADVENTURES FOR COUPLES! PLAYBOY TV IS NOW CASTING COUPLES FOR SEASON 3 OF THE HIT REALITY SHOW… SWING.

ARE YOU 21-45 YEARS OLD AND IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP BUT LOOKING TO ADD MORE SPICE INTO YOUR SEX LIFE? HAVE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER EVER FANTASIZED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO INVITE SOMEONE ELSE INTO YOUR BED? ARE YOU YEARNING FOR MORE FANTASY IN YOUR LIFE?

PLAYBOY TV IS SEEKING RELATABLE COUPLES WHO ARE CURIOUS ABOUT THE SWINGING LIFESTYLE.  DOES A 2 DAY VACATION TO A PRIVATE, EXCLUSIVE HOUSE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA INTEREST YOU? WE’RE CREATING THE ULTIMATE FANTASY GETAWAY FOR COUPLES WHO HAVE A STRONG DESIRE TO RE-IGNITE THE FIRE!  IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN ESCAPING REALITY AND MEETING OTHER COUPLES IN A SEXY, FESTIVE SETTING, WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!

NEWBIES: WE ARE SEEKING FIRST TIME COUPLES CURIOUS AND INTERESTED IN THE LIFESTYLE OF SWINGING.

CAST: WE ARE SEEKING KASIDIE COUPLES WHO HAVE BEEN LIVING THE LIFESTYLE TO BE CAST MEMBERS FOR 1 EPISODE OR MORE.

If you are interested in possibly being on the show, head over to Kasidie for more info.

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Aporia: Sexual Identity

by Jason Stotts

What is sexual identity?  Is it simply being gay or straight?  Is it all possible facts about our sexuality?  Is it how we structure our relationships and love as well?  Does my sexual identity include facts about whether I’m monogamous or practice polyamory?  Should it include whether a person has sexual integrity?  Should fetishes and desires be included?

This issue has captured my attention recently while contemplating sexual orientation.  People often refer to a person’s sexual orientation as their “sexual identity,” yet, that seems much too thin to me.  I certainly don’t think that describing a person as straight or gay exhausts their sexual identity: in fact, it seems like more of a basic starting point than any deep information.  If all straight people were the same as each other, if all bisexual people were the same as each other, if all gay people were the same as each other; then sexual orientation might exhaust sexual identity.   But this is plainly not the case.  Sexual identity must be something more than simply orientation, although orientation is definitely a part of it.

But what else should sexual identity include?  It seems, at least at first blush, like it should include anything and everything about a person’s sexuality to which they are firmly committed and which form the core of their sexual experience.  By this I mean that if a person can’t think about sexuality without thinking of it through the lens of BDSM, then this is an important part of that persons’ sexual identity.  If a person can’t imagine becoming sexually aroused without their fetish, then this is an important part of their sexual identity.  So, tentatively, let us say that anything without which a person couldn’t imagine their sex life being good for them is an important part of their identity.

But, this raises the question, should literally anything be included?  Should we have to include anything in a statement of our sexual identity?  Should I need to say that: “I’m into {a,b,c,f,u}, but not {d, z, r, t}, and sometimes {q, j}?”  That seems much too cumbersome.  Of course, on the other hand, it’s not too likely that any particular person has a large set of sexual things that are very important to him.  Most people could probably communicate their identity with something like: I’m a bisexual woman who is mostly monogamous with slight polyamory leanings and also like some light BDSM.  It certainly seems like the stronger you hold a desire, the more it is part of who you are.

Perhaps it would be useful to delimit identity to just a couple of axes that are the most important, like: orientation, level of overall desire, sexual openness, relationship and love openness, and interest in kink.  Each of these could have a scale of 0-6 denoting orientation (Kinsey Scale), overall level of desire (asexual – nymphomania?), (monosexual – polysexual), (monogamous – polyamorous), (none – very kinky).  It’d be a little awkward to get it going, but it’d be easy to communicate your overall desires to someone quickly as “I’m a {6,6,0,0,6},” which would be a very kinky, very horny, homosexual.

Even if the scale idea doesn’t take off, and there’s no doubt it’d be a lot to get people to go to it and it might not even be worth it, I think I’m at least correct that sexual identity is much more than simply sexual orientation and if we at least move to a richer view of sexual identity, then we will have a better chance to understand our own sexuality and communicate it to others.

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Playboy’s Swing – Season 2

by Jason Stotts

I get a lot of questions related to Playboy’s TV show “Swing” after putting up an episode of it last year.  The questions are mostly if I have access to other free episodes (I don’t) and if I know if there will be a second season.  Well, I’m happy to say that there will be a second season.  I just found out that they’ve already completed principal shooting for season 2 and that it will air sometime later this year.  So, you’re gong to have to wait a bit longer, but for those of you who like the show, there will be more to come.

Hopefully this season will be a little less scripted and a little more realistic.  Either way, I’m glad to see swinging being treated seriously and getting some mainstream attention.  While I don’t think swinging is right for everyone, and I do think there are ways to do it immorally, I also think that for some people it can be a great value and that it can be done morally (for my arguments on this issue, see “On Polysexuality“).

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Playboy’s Swing Season 2

by Jason Stotts

I found out recently from Kasidie that Playboy TV is currently having a casting call for new people for the second season of their reality TV show “Swing.”  I talked about it briefly in February (link), but I think it’s grew that Playboy is trying to show swinging in a realistic light (or, as much as one can do in reality TV).

Hopefully they bring the first season out on DVD soon.

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Sexual Distinctions: Candaulism, Cuckold, Threesomes

by Jason Stotts

In this post, I want to draw some distinctions between different, but somewhat similar, sexual practices.

Candaulism

Candaulism is a term that comes to us from the Greek myth of King Candaules. In the myth, the king surreptitiously reveals his wife to one of his ministers. The sexual practice, then, is when one partner gains pleausre by showing off his partner, whether in person or imagery, to others, whether with the consent of his or her partner or not.

Cuckoldry

Traditionally, cuckoldry is the practice of having sex with a person that is not one’s partner, without one’s partner’s knowledge or consent. Thus, traditionally it was synonymous with infidelity.  However, cuckoldry now has taken a different form and refers to the fetish whereby one partner, almost exclusively the male partner in a heterosexual relationship, derives sexual pleasure from either the knowledge that his partner is having sex with someone besides himself or from watching his partner have sex with someone besides himself.

However, in cuckoldry there is a power imbalance and the man is being “forced” to endure this for his more dominant partner. The practice also has very strong connections to humiliation and shame, as the cuckold is seen as powerless to stop his partner from engaging in this behavior and is, thereby, humiliated. It is also important to note that although this deals with shame and humiliation, the man actually does want his partner to do these things. Paradoxically, cuckoldry requires the cooperation and consent of the cuckold. Otherwise, cuckoldry devolves into simple infidelity and/or humiliation. Indeed, the cuckold derives pleasure from being “made” to watch his partner be sexual with someone else or to listen to stories of his partner being sexual with someone else.

Swinging

Swinging is where a couple is polysexual (non-monogamous) together and seeks out other individuals or couples for sexual activities. In this, the partners predominantly act together as a unit and generally “play” together, although some swingers do play separately. In swinging, there is not a power differential. Swinging is distinguished from a simple threesome by being engaged in over a longer period of time as a “lifestyle.” Further, swingers may engage in threesomes, foursomes, or groups of more.

Polyamory

Polyamory is distinguished from the above by being primarily about loving more than one person at a time. While this usually includes sex, it does not necessarily involve sex.

Threesomes

A threesome is a sexual situation where a couple invites a third person into their sexual relationship, whether for a single night or for a longer term, and then either one or both of the partners engage in sexual activities with this person. In this set up, both of the partners in the relationship consent to the arrangement and have equal standing in the relationship.  There is not a power differential as there is in cuckoldry.

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Playboy TV’s “Swing”

by Jason Stotts

Playboy TV just started a new reality TV show called “Swing” about the lifestyle.  What’s funny is that I actually know some of the people on the show, Ashely and Early, as they’re friends of friends.  It’s interesting to see people you know on a reality TV show and it’s even more interesting to see people you know fucking on a reality TV show.

Playboy has the whole (uncensored) first episode up on their site as a preview for the series and I think it looks interesting. Unfortunately, I don’t even have basic cable, so I’m not going to be able to watch it as it airs.  Hopefully, it’ll come out on DVD soon so I can check it out.

(Warning: nudity and sex acts)

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