Note: This response was written by the couple who were so kind to answer the questions for “An Interview with Swingers” and it is a response to my recent essay “Swinging: A Different Perspective.” They are writing under the pseudonyms Wendy and Stan to protect their anonymity. ~ J.S.
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I am the female half of the swinging couple interviewed on Jason’s blog, and wanted to respond to his Swinging: A Different Perspective essay. For clarity, I’ll call myself Wendy and my partner Stan. We both considered swinging before we even met, but had never done it before. We also talked about swinging after our first sexual experience with each other, and started looking for clubs and Internet sites the next day. We were still in the giddy, every thing is new and fun stage, so I strongly disagree that one must be tired of their partner to swing or even feel the excitement when someone new plays with them. The “gradual slacking off of interest [in one’s partner]” is certainly not necessary to swing. It is true that ‘the excitement from watching someone else enjoy your partner’ effect happens, but I question whether it is a major motivator for most people in the lifestyle. I would also argue that this effect is present for many vanilla couples in non-swinging circumstances too.
For example, I enjoy going out to nice restaurants with Stan. When we make a date for just the two of us I love taking a long bath, doing my hair and make up, and wearing something I feel sexy in. Men (and sometimes women) will often check me out in public, and that feels good. I like it and Stan likes it; however that is not my major motivation to go out or even get dressed up. I get dressed up for myself, for Stan, and to show respect for the nice restaurant we are attending. I see the attention as just a nice side effect, and the same goes with swinging. Just enjoying this effect is not immoral, but making it the reason to dress up and go out would be.
I also want to challenge your iPod analogy. I realize you were exaggerating when you said you thought that the iPod would cure cancer, but I understand your point. I think many people do have unrealistic expectations of a particular devise or more often a life change. How many times have you heard or said, “If I only lost 50 pounds” or “If only I found the right person” or “If I only had a better job”? People will often find a token problem to be their scapegoat to avoid harder to face problems. And of course this is an extreme example of your iPod analogy, but I think it is the same basic case of having unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying I didn’t get excited when I got my new laptop, but I knew it was only going to provide certain services and just some of which I’d use. Yes, people can perceive the wanted and unattained to have a larger impact than they actually do, but I don’t think this is inevitable. In fact, it should probably be avoided. And just because some one gets excited about a new gadget, and then loses interest in it over time, does not mean they had unrealistic expectations to begin with.
It is certainly true that some percentage of swingers join the lifestyle or continue in the lifestyle for the effect outlined in Swinging: A Different Perspective, but there are also many other questionable reasons why people choose swinging. It is important to remember almost any activity can be done for the wrong reasons. If some people immorally drink alcohol to avoid reality, it does not mean most people who drink have the same motivation. I think it’s fair to say drinking can be done quite morally. No one is going to try and claim that everyone who swings does so for enlightened, well considered, and logical reasons. I know Jason is reserving his moral judgment on this issue for now, but I would urge not to take arguments that highlight specific irrational behaviors and generalize them as problems with the lifestyle.