by Jason Stotts
In this post, I want to draw some distinctions between different, but somewhat similar, sexual practices.
Candaulism
Candaulism is a term that comes to us from the Greek myth of King Candaules. In the myth, the king surreptitiously reveals his wife to one of his ministers. The sexual practice, then, is when one partner gains pleausre by showing off his partner, whether in person or imagery, to others, whether with the consent of his or her partner or not.
Cuckoldry
Traditionally, cuckoldry is the practice of having sex with a person that is not one’s partner, without one’s partner’s knowledge or consent. Thus, traditionally it was synonymous with infidelity. However, cuckoldry now has taken a different form and refers to the fetish whereby one partner, almost exclusively the male partner in a heterosexual relationship, derives sexual pleasure from either the knowledge that his partner is having sex with someone besides himself or from watching his partner have sex with someone besides himself.
However, in cuckoldry there is a power imbalance and the man is being “forced” to endure this for his more dominant partner. The practice also has very strong connections to humiliation and shame, as the cuckold is seen as powerless to stop his partner from engaging in this behavior and is, thereby, humiliated. It is also important to note that although this deals with shame and humiliation, the man actually does want his partner to do these things. Paradoxically, cuckoldry requires the cooperation and consent of the cuckold. Otherwise, cuckoldry devolves into simple infidelity and/or humiliation. Indeed, the cuckold derives pleasure from being “made” to watch his partner be sexual with someone else or to listen to stories of his partner being sexual with someone else.
Swinging
Swinging is where a couple is polysexual (non-monogamous) together and seeks out other individuals or couples for sexual activities. In this, the partners predominantly act together as a unit and generally “play” together, although some swingers do play separately. In swinging, there is not a power differential. Swinging is distinguished from a simple threesome by being engaged in over a longer period of time as a “lifestyle.” Further, swingers may engage in threesomes, foursomes, or groups of more.
Polyamory
Polyamory is distinguished from the above by being primarily about loving more than one person at a time. While this usually includes sex, it does not necessarily involve sex.
Threesomes
A threesome is a sexual situation where a couple invites a third person into their sexual relationship, whether for a single night or for a longer term, and then either one or both of the partners engage in sexual activities with this person. In this set up, both of the partners in the relationship consent to the arrangement and have equal standing in the relationship. There is not a power differential as there is in cuckoldry.
Comments
7 responses to “Sexual Distinctions: Candaulism, Cuckold, Threesomes”
If cuckoldry requires a power imbalance, what is the term for the practice that is simply “one partner . . . deriv[ing] sexual pleasure from either the knowledge that his partner is having sex with someone besides himself or from watching his partner have sex with someone besides himself.”
In other words what do you call cuckoldry without the power imbalance?
That’s a really good question and I should probably update this to reflect the answer. The term for that right now is “hotwife” or “hotwifing.” Basically, deriving enjoyment from your wife’s attractive looks and her sexuality. Hotwifing is not always letting your wife have sex with other men or women, it could simply be watching others think your wife is attractive and sexy and enjoying that. So, basically, it has elements of Candaulism and Cuckoldry, but is different in important ways.
~Jason
[…] Distinctions. […]
Perhaps you could help with defining a slight difference in the scenarios, a male female couple where the wife has a long term partner and where sometimes she acts alone with this partner and sometimes the three act together with the wife the centre of attention. No humiliation, no power imbalance. There is no “love” but there is desire. Both men speak to each other and get on and they both accept the others role within the triangle.
Since the secondary relationship is not a loving relationship, I wouldn’t say it’s polyamory. I would call it simply “an open relationship.” If you wanted to be more precise, it’s a monoamorous/polysexual relationship.
Does that help?
Interesting article. How would you classify a relationship where there is humiliation play surrounding the husband’s genital endowment, but both the husband and wife are active participants with the third man during play, and both the husband and wife expressly consent to the third party?
Perhaps I am splitting hairs but I’m interested in how you define the power imbalance.
It’s an interesting question that I’d have to think about. I think it’d come down to the precise situation. I can imagine that being a form of cuckolding or of “standard” threesomes with some humiliation play.